A Life in Exile

I grew up in a loving, Christian home, with parents who challenged us to be our best and encouraged us for any job well done. The youngest of five, I followed on the heels of several high-achievers. All my brothers and my one sister were loved by their teachers. They were a hard act to follow, but I managed to survive. Having felt a call to missions at the tender age of ten, my niche, if I had one, was found in church. I still remember my mother telling me that I did not have to be the one who always raised her hand to answer a Sunday School teacher’s question.

Lord, it’s hard to be humble.

The comfort and support of my home church environment, and my participation in Bible drills, mission organizations, and youth mission trips all contributed to my general sense of well-being as a Christian. Though I had some miserable failings during my high school and college years, I emerged with my faith intact and my desire to serve stronger than ever. The call was sure, and I was sure that life on the mission field would bring no avenue for personal failure.

Thus, the naïve reason I would take my first overseas flight to a West African nation wearing a nice linen blouse and skirt and sporting a new perm. I think back on that day now and wonder if I had even bothered to learn about the place I was traveling. Maybe I did, but my confidence superseded any potential difficulties ahead.

God’s grace in knocking me off my own pedestal.

Pride is a hard thing to discharge on our own. I can now say thankfully, we have a God who helps us out, and as I look back to that first missions experience, I smile at the ways he worked on my pride and self-confidence. The first chip was through my first load of laundry which led a beautiful linen blouse to become a shrunken, tie-died piece of worthless clothing.

If I only knew then what that shirt would represent for the coming years of my life, I might have been more willing to let go of other areas of my life and thinking. But I wasn’t there yet, and I held on to my know-it-all attitude until future failures would bring me to my knees.

What is the reality of this reflection on my pride and self-confidence over trust in God? I didn’t like listening to others over my own opinion. Warning from supervisors and promptings of the Holy Spirit were ignored, as I gave way to the temptations, I didn’t think I’d be facing on the mission field. Where did it lead me? Hidden sins, unspoken decisions, and a steady movement toward areas of darkness.

From chips to chunks.

Thankfully, God was not ready to leave me to my own devices, and he allowed me to be caught in my deceit and threatened with expulsion from the field. Now, swimming in a sea of guilt and shame, I was humbled and led to confess my sin and give up what I thought I could easily handle. The reality that I couldn’t handle anything—beginning with laundry and ending with sexual temptations—changed a self-confident and prideful girl into a humbler and meeker servant for the Kingdom.

I served the remainder of that term willing to be transparent to my colleagues and supervisors and able to accept the fact that I was weak and needed a strong God to guide my every step. I also learned that my pat Sunday School answers weren’t enough for the issues I faced in that culture and in myself. I needed more of Jesus and his Word.

Did I live the perfect life of humility from that point on? Hardly, for the Lord knew I still had a lot of perfectionism and pride left for years to come. But, it was a starting point, and a place of growing closer and more dependent on God and less on myself.

Has God been chipping away at something in your life as you’ve served him in the Kingdom? I hope you’re grateful, as I am, that he’s still willing to use us despite our weaknesses and struggles. I’m also grateful that he can use these life lessons, not only to make us more like Jesus but to help others along the way. That chisel of grace can be painful, but in the end, it’s still grace. I’ll hold on to that.

Grace and Peace

If you missed the last Mission Monday post, click HERE, or check out these posts on the topics of pride and humility: Watch Out for Pride, Vain Cures, Maintaining Power, and The Grace of Humble Pie.