It doesn’t count

95648514_234555731143574_1547768667150745600_nThirty years ago today I said, “I do,” when asked if I would love, honor and cherish Raouf Ghattas for as long as we both shall live.

The problem is, my commitment to that vow stopped after twenty-five years, because he died.

Why can’t I count the days, months, years or anniversary milestones any more? Because we are no longer one flesh — I’m just the one.

Grief stinks.

96148226_296787134667004_2741995658222239744_nI’ve managed to get through the last four years, but this is the first of what would have been a special moment to commemorate. Thirty years is a lot. In reality, twenty-five was a lot! I thank the Lord we celebrated big that year. We traveled to the British Isles for a wonderful vacation with our boys. It would be our last anniversary together.

Again, grief stinks.

Yet, here I am drying the tears, taking a deep breath, and saying, “thank you, Lord, for the twenty five.” I’m also thankful, that even after thirty years, I can still remember him, and still thank God that he chose me all those years ago.

96233063_1544990989005208_1350626923780243456_nI may not get to celebrate with him, but I can still celebrate him and me and the life we had together for the time the Lord allowed.

Grief stinks, but Christ brings peace. 

Happy Anniversary, Hayati. Every day was a wonderful adventure.

I’m resting, as I know you are in His grace and peace.

2 thoughts on “It doesn’t count

  1. Very touching Carol!…five doesn’t seem that long ago when he was visiting with us in Woodland Hills..I have a picture in my office with Raouf, Ramses and Touto standing in our backyard..his memory lives.

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