Yep, that’s what he said, a complete stranger, who didn’t know me but was reading a book proposal I’d submitted several months back: “she is clearly grieving.”
I read the email on my phone while on my lunch break at work, and it hit me like a bombshell. Was it that obvious? Almost three years out? So, I had to ask myself, “am I clearly still grieving?”
That email was avoided for three more days, as I slipped into a funk. I admit it. I know I’m still grieving, because this month is my biggest reminder, as it’s the month he left. But does my grief still show itself so obviously in the things I do and say? (This blog not withstanding).
Though I rarely cry as before, I have found that I do wear my grief on my sleeve, and there are events or things that just bring it all back down on me. This week, besides the email, was the sudden death of the wife of a friend in a tornado that his our area. I didn’t know her, but knew him, and had an immediate connection with all he must be going through. I couldn’t face going to her funeral, but he and his kids were always in my mind this week…the shock, the funeral arrangements, the loss. I relived mine, as he walked through his.
As I cried out to God to know what all this meant, my favorite verse came to mind:
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:28-29)
I’m seeking rest in Jesus, for in him is the only place my soul will find true peace. What that rest looks like, I’m still processing, but I know he will show me. The good thing is, I know he understands. As much as I want to be strong, in this I have found myself weaker than weak, and a weariness has overwhelmed me once again.
I knew I was in bad shape, when, for the first time, I thought about joining a widows group. I can’t even believe I’ve admitted that, but I know I need to hear from the wisdom of those who’ve walked this journey.
So here I am, needing to make some decisions and helpless to know how. It’s obvious grief has caught up with me once again. The stranger was right: “she’s clearly grieving.”
Are you? I pray you find your rest in Jesus. I know that’s where I’ll find mine.
Grace and Peace