It seems the weather is finally changing. It’s been a warm fall, with little rain or cold. As I was out and about today, the wind was blowing and clouds were rolling in. It’s supposed to pour tonight and bring colder temperatures. Winter has come.
I prefer sunshine…especially during this time of year. You see, this time next week, he will have been gone two years. So, as long as the sun is out, I can make myself move and function. When the wind blows and darkness comes, my mood grows dark as well.
I’ve thought a lot this past week about how far I’ve come since this time last year. Once again, I faced my annual physical. Last year, my doctor looked at me, and I cried. It was my first time to have a physical without him. We’d always done it together. This past week, no tears, but still a sigh. I think I’ll always sigh. I’ll let you know next year.
I realized as well this past week that the Thanksgiving holiday really snuck up on me. (I know I should say sneaked, but I prefer snuck). It’s been a busy month, which is a good thing; but then when I realized, “Oh, yeah, Thanksgiving is this coming week”, it almost hit me too hard. It’s like I needed to have been more aware of it, so then I felt guilty.
Another event has changed the holiday for me this year…my son’s marriage. Though I’ve gained a daughter, I’ve lost a son for the holidays. It’s OK. I know they need to be with her family. My parents lost me for 20 years, so who am I to complain? But it does change the dynamics. So now, my youngest says: “What are we going to do for the holidays, Mom?” I’m so grateful that our Thanksgivings have always included other people, so we’ll gladly join our church family for an Arab-American meal on Thursday.
Yet, I know he’s not just talking about Thanksgiving. He’s wondering how we’ll get ourselves through the day of remembrance. I have no answers there, I’m afraid.
So, as I sit here watching the wind blow the trees and think about how easy it would be to put on my pajamas at 3 p.m. and curl up in bed, I know that this is not how it should be. God knew that too, and allowed me to make prior plans to go to a movie with the honeymooners. I don’t do “fun” things often (I’m an introverted writer after all), but he knew that I could not let my mood be affected by the weather. He gave me a way to break through the gloom and move.
I remember my widowed father always telling me he didn’t like the dreary winter days of December and January. Those were the days he missed Mama most, as her birthday was in December and she died on January 1. I understand him now, and I’m thankful he’s able to enjoy the brightness of the Lord’s presence with her at last. I look forward to that time as well.
In the meantime, I push through the hard days and thank God for even a movie.
Having a hard day? Turn on the light and ask God to help you through.
Grace and Peace