A Life in Exile

We know when we choose to follow Christ’s command to “go and make disciples” that He is sending us out as “sheep among wolves.” If you are a believer who takes this call seriously, either in your home country or in an overseas setting, you recognize the risks. The more we grow in Christ, the starker the difference between us and the world. Because of that understanding, we do not expect nonbelievers to speak and act like Christ-followers. Attacks may come, but we anticipate them and know how to respond.

What happens, however, when a friend—another believer—acts in a way contrary to God’s Word? How do we deal with them when they’ve betrayed our trust and are not even willing to talk about it? Do we just build a wall in the relationship and leave it to God, or keep pushing for them to take responsibility for the hurt they’ve caused? Can we find peace and reconciliation?

The deepest wounds

The wonder of redemption is that Christ died for the ungodly. “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8 ESV). Though our salvation is secure at the moment of repentance and confession of faith, we continue to live in a daily power struggle with our natural man, as the evil one wants to break and destroy what God has made whole and redeemed. Thus, the work of sanctification in the life of every believer. We put away the old to walk in the newness of the life of Christ, growing into His image, as we seek to live in accordance with His commands.

In other words—This side of heaven, we’re all works in progress.

We want to be like Jesus, and we expect fellow believers to be like Him as well. The reality is messier, and when we’re hurt by a brother or sister in Christ, the cut goes deeper. David understood that hurt and wrote about it.

Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me. (Psalm 41:9)

He knew the pain of trusting someone and being let down. Most of us reading this have known the same. It does hurt, and it’s okay to feel the depth of that pain. The question is: What do we do with it?

Take it to Jesus

This is not a blanket statement to say that we don’t seek reconciliation or even never confront the other person with our pain, but it does mean that we have to start with Jesus. Without consulting Him in prayer, we lack the wisdom that is needed for the next steps in this situation.

When David cried to the Lord over the pain caused by his friend, he spoke about his integrity.

But you have upheld me because of my integrity, and set me in your presence forever. (Psalm 41:12)

This is a good place for us to start when taking our pain to God. We don’t want to assume that we’ve acted with integrity in this situation, so we must start by searching our own hearts in the matter. Ask the Holy Spirit to dig deep into your motivations, words, and deeds. Open yourself up to His inspection, so that you can get your own slate clean before you continue down the road of accusation toward your brother or sister.

If you can rest in your integrity, like Job, then trust the Lord for the next steps. If you are convicted that you too have done wrong, then be ready to humble yourself before your brother or sister in Christ.

We cannot hold onto hurt without first getting our accounts straight with the One who judges us all.

Be willing to both confront and forgive

While teaching His disciples, Jesus talked about the importance of talking to our brother or sister if they sinned against us. He gave very clear instructions, which I believe are crucial to follow. (See Matthew 18:15-17).

• Go to him alone and talk with him. If he listens, then you have gained a restored relationship.
• If not, take one or two other believers with you and try again.
• If that doesn’t work, tell it to the church.

The ultimate goal is reconciliation, but a break in the relationship may result if the person refuses to listen or repent.

I would caution here that we must be aware that these instructions are not just for petty differences. Would I bring my brother before the church because of a simple disagreement on an issue? Instead, this should be reserved for matters that can damage the church and hurt the witness of the person attacked by false allegations. This is a serious matter for the church, and thus, the reason we must go through the first step of taking all this to Jesus first.

After Jesus gives this instruction, Peter asks a crucial question: “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him?” (Matthew 18:21). I can imagine that Peter was shocked by Jesus’s response of seventy-seven times. Whatever grace we may think we are capable of in forgiving our fellow believer, Jesus makes it clear that it’s not even close. Multiply it by at least eleven, and maybe we’ll get the point.

That’s the reason for the parable He then tells, about a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. The generosity of the king is seen as he forgives the debt of a servant who owed him ten thousand talents, a huge sum. That same servant, after he’d been forgiven so much, went out and demanded repayment of an insignificant sum from his fellow servant. When the man begged for mercy, he instead had him thrown in jail. The one who had been forgiven much failed to forgive little. The king had the final say in the matter, and Jesus the final word:

“So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35)

Forgiveness expects nothing in return

When we are wounded by a fellow believer, the pain is real, and it affects our relationship with that person. If we have done our part in searching our hearts on the matter, seeking to speak honestly about the hurt caused, and worked toward reconciliation, then the final step is forgiveness. Even if their relationship with you and the church has been broken, we must forgive.

What is forgiveness? It is saying that I do not hold this sin against you. They may never admit their wrong, but without forgiving them, we end up being the ones burdened by bitterness and hurt. Forgiveness breaks the bond of the sin. It no longer has a hold on us.

You know that I have to turn to Jesus on this matter, as He was wounded and betrayed by those closest to Him. Even without mentioning what Judas did, the other eleven disciples ran away from Him and hid when He needed them most. Peter denied knowing Him three times! The one who asked how many times do I forgive my brother had now sinned against his own rabbi, the one he called the Christ, the Son of the living God.

Would Jesus forgive him? Yes, because as He hung on that cross, He prayed, not only for the Father to forgive those who crucified him but all who sinned, for they didn’t know what they were doing. That went for Peter, too.

Sometimes, when Christians hurt each other, they just don’t know what they’re doing. Acting out of the flesh or natural man, we have all done unforgivable things. Yet, we are forgiven. We’ve been forgiven by the One who died for our sins, and we’re forgiven by those empowered by the Holy Spirit to forgive and let go for the sake of Christ.

Not all those Christ forgave chose to follow or stay with Him. The same holds true for us. Relationships may be broken, but what matters in the end is whether the King will find us as forgiving as He was toward us.

Grace and Peace

If you missed the last Mission Monday post, click HERE, or check out these other posts on pain and forgiveness: Repaired, Cracked Pots, Throwing Stones, and Remember You Were Slaves.