A Life in Exile

When I ponder this question, it’s easy to look at today’s newsfeed and consider the trauma caused to cross-cultural workers and US-based missionaries by wars, natural disasters, and growing violence. I think back to my years in service in the late 20^th and early 21^st century and consider the cost of the stress on my psyche and family. In my pondering, my mind wanders even further back to the earliest of missionary pioneers who lost spouses and children to wars and disease, along with those who marched orphans through war zones to safety. How did they overcome such traumatic events and loss?

What do we do with the physical battles in light of the spiritual battles we already know are being waged from the moment of our surrender to the call of missions?

Trauma or Spiritual Warfare

A friend who has been dealing with nightmares asked me to speak into this issue. I’m answering the request with the caveat that I am not a professional counselor in the area of PTSD. Others are, and I recommend that anyone struggling to cope seek such counseling with the guidance of their mission board or church.

What I can say relates to my understanding of Scripture, reading, and experience of life in ministry. There is no this or that in answer to the question of trauma versus spiritual warfare, because I agree with a statement I read by Jonathan Pokluda in his book, Your Story Has a Villain: “Behind everything broken in the world, the villain and his army are at work.” Whatever the way we are facing attack, be it physical or spiritual, Satan is using it to diminish our trust in the goodness of God and his will for our lives.

So, when nightmares hit, I search to understand not only their source (Are they based on a reality I’m facing?) but also how the evil one may be using them to cause me to question God in this crisis. When we see horrifying acts of violence that sear the corners of our minds, those are true scars of war take time to overcome. We overcome them, not in the sense of forgetting them, but being able to move forward knowing that, despite the evil we’ve seen or experienced, God can use it to make us stronger, more compassionate, more fervent in our call, knowing that without Jesus, there really is no hope, because we’ve seen what it looks like.

Serving with scars

I will never forget my late husband’s comment as we attended the ceremony commemorating a group of newly retiring missionaries in the early 1990s. We had just been commissioned to head to the field, and they were coming home. He leaned over to me and said, “They look like they’ve just come off a battlefield.” I could not deny it—they did. It wasn’t just their age but a war-weary heaviness they carried with them, as each took to the podium to receive their earthly “well done, good and faithful servant” reward.

There is nothing on this earth that compensates the sacrifice many have made and are going through for the cause of Christ, but then again, we are not working for an earthly cause. What kept the Apostle Paul pressing on through the scars of stones, whips, fists, snake bites, illness, ship wrecks, and more? It is the same thing that must keep us on the field and serving through the scars: the “well done” of our Heavenly Father and the joy of having been found faithful.

We cut our teeth on mission service in the country of Syria. Never an easy place to live or serve, we still loved the time we had there and saw God at work in amazing ways among her people. We lived in constant stress, as everything was closely watched and monitored. Every Monday morning, my husband received a call from his “appointed” secret police officer who wanted a report of what he had preached the day before. When other workers began to get their visas revoked, we knew time was short. At the height of our ministry, the door was closed, and we had ten days to leave the country. I was also five months pregnant with our first child.

Though there was an “on-the-ground” reality of our situation, we also knew that a real battle was being waged for this country. Satan and his army were not happy with the message of Christ changing lives and church members being discipled. We and others had encroached on his territory, and he wasn’t having it, so we went into exile to Lebanon.

Little did we know at the time that those early scars would be just the first of many, as we moved to other countries over the next twenty years. Still, despite the hurt, stress, and pain, we pressed on and learned to trust the sovereignty of God. We learned how to use our time more wisely, knowing we never knew when a door would close. Our exit from the field many years later would be another emotional moment that could have proved deadly to our faith if we had not already lived through other trying times and known that God was always working for our good.

Your trauma testimony

Field-based trauma can manifest itself in a variety of ways in the lives of missionaries who serve in hard places. From my friend’s nightmares, to anxiety, to jumping at sudden noises, to avoidance of any danger, to overprotection of children—there’s an endless list of how our minds and bodies respond. There is a natural self-protection switch that clicks in us all when we’re faced with real or perceived danger; so, don’t beat yourself up that you might be struggling.

What I encourage you to do after recognizing that you are struggling is to pray. Start with prayer, asking God to help you keep your eyes on Jesus through this storm. He will never leave you nor forsake you. It’s His promise, and it’s true. Then ask Him, as you cry out to Him in your hurt and pain, to help you to keep trusting in Him. You may never know the reason for this trauma and what’s going on in the heavenlies to give you such a battle, but you can be like Job and just keep trusting in the goodness of God.

As you start with prayer, I then ask you to begin pulling in your prayer warriors, spouse, colleagues, and even spiritual leadership to join you, not only in prayer but to help keep you accountable in focusing on Scripture and God’s goodness. No one is meant to go into spiritual battle alone. This may also require a time in Christian counseling as well. Remember, Satan has his armies working against us, so don’t be afraid to gather an army around you.

However long your journey through this stormy period, I encourage you to keep pressing in to serve others, as this keeps us thinking outside of ourselves. Paul, after recovering from a terrible stoning, kept going, kept sharing, and kept serving. You can too. In the end, God can use your testimony to His goodness to encourage others for His glory. You may not yet be able to say it, but the day will come when you can say with Job: “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21 CSB).

Grace and Peace

If you missed the last Mission Monday post, click HERE, or check out these other posts on trauma and pain in ministry: As for Me, Worse-case Scenario, Making Sense of Suffering, Focus in the Frailty, Embrace Suffering, and A Purpose for the Pain.