A Life in Exile

I wrote down the phrase because it struck a chord with me: “internal martyrdom.” Oswald Chambers used it in referring to the cost Peter would realize in following Christ. Though I agree with Chambers that fisherman Simon would not have realized the extent of the price he would personally pay for agreeing to follow this radical rabbi, I do think that the process of internal martyrdom began that first day on the shore of the Sea of Galilee.

Simon had given permission for Jesus to use his boat to teach, though he was already tired from a long night of fishing. Now, he finds him asking something harder—let down your nets for a catch.

Bending the Will

It was one thing to let the teacher stand in his boat, but quite another for him to be so presumptuous to think that he knew anything about fishing. Simon was the expert, after all.

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water and let down your nets for a catch.” “Master,” Simon replied, “we’ve worked hard all night long and caught nothing. But if you say so, I’ll let down the nets.” When they did this, they caught a great number of fish, and their nets began to tear. So they signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them; they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

Luke 5:4-7 CSB

Simon let Jesus know that they had already passed a long, unsuccessful night of fishing. We are so much like Simon in feeling that we need to explain things to the God of all Creation. He asks a simple thing, but maybe it doesn’t make sense or seem logical. In order to make the reality clear, we justify our stance on the matter. That doesn’t mean God’s going to change his mind about what he asks of us. Jesus didn’t tell Simon to forget it then and go his way. Therefore, Simon had a choice, and he chose to bend to the will of the Master.

God’s Way Over My Way

The result of Simon’s obedience in a small thing led to a blessing beyond his imagination. Nets were tearing, help was called in—boats were literally overflowing with fish. It is here that Simon turns his back on the blessing and turns toward the Master.

When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’s knees and said, “Go away from me, because I’m a sinful man, Lord!”

Luke 5:8

What brought on this confession of sin? Was it the earlier backtalk against the rabbi’s request? Was it his doubt that Jesus knew what he was asking? Was it the realization that he was unworthy to be in the presence of a man with such power? Was it because he recognized that Jesus was the Christ?

I’m sure it was a combination of all of the above, though Simon himself may not have been able to express the true answer. Even at this point on the shore, Simon discovers he’s no longer the expert. The impossible has become possible, not because of anything he had done, but because a word from this rabbi brought it to past.

Internal Martyrdom

Jesus knew the heart of Simon. He knew that the fisherman had been shaken to his core over this miracle, and he knew that Simon needed shaking to get on the right path and would need further shaking to remain there. He wanted to keep this man close by his side.

“Don’t be afraid,” Jesus told Simon. “From now on you will be catching people.” Then they brought the boats to land, left everything, and followed him.

Luke 5:10b-11

How many times in Scripture do we hear the words, “don’t be afraid” or “fear not?” It seems to be a standard response from God to a person who has just been knocked off their feet by God’s presence or works. Jesus knew that Simon was fearful. If I’d talked back to Jesus, I would be too!

When we come face-to-face with Jesus, our world is turned upside down. We’re fearful because we know that we will never be the same. What will Jesus expect of me? What must I do? What will I have to give up? Questions are running rampant in our minds, but Jesus has one answer for them all, and it’s the answer he gave to Simon—Follow me.

This is was a big jump from allowing the rabbi to stand in his boat and even from throwing his nets one last time. Simon was not just turning his back on the catch of the day; he was turning his back on his livelihood and way of life to become a student of the most radical of rabbis.

The pride that Simon gave up in order to cast that final net was nothing in comparison to the total surrender of self that was necessary in following the Christ. Death to self is required to follow.

I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 2:20

Over the next three years, Simon Peter would learn what it means to crucify self for the cause of Christ. Even when it appears that he fails in that task through his three-fold denial, he falls back on his knees in confession of his sinfulness and finds a forgiving Lord urging him to get back up to follow him further. Peter would follow him further still, and after a life of proclamation, he would ultimately face external martyrdom which reflected the internal martyrdom he’d long ago willingly gave for Christ.

Following Jesus has a price but it also has a great reward. Peter, who had already suffered greatly by the time of writing this letter, shared with those who were struggling in their spiritual journey:

Dear friends, don’t be surprised when the fiery ordeal comes among you to test you, as if something unusual were happening to you. Instead, rejoice as you share in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may also rejoice with great joy when his glory is revealed.

1 Peter 4:12-13

No outward suffering comes if the inward man is not martyred first for the sake of Christ. Are you willing to let go of self and follow? Jesus is standing at the door, waiting for your answer.

Grace and Peace

If you missed the last Wednesday Wisdom, click HERE, or check out these other posts on following Christ: Lessons from the Mountainside 31, The Sin of Self, and Comfort in the Darkness 10: Do you Love me?