Written: October 25, 2016
Today is like any other day, as I woke up, went to work, exercised (doesn’t happen every day), and tried to do something constructive in the evening. Yet, today is unique for one reason alone — it will be the last time I can say, when someone asks about my husband’s passing: He left us so many “months” ago. For, today marks 11 months of that day when my world changed. Next month, it will be different, for it will be one year, and every month after that will be harder and harder to calculate and remember, for I have never been good at math.
I remember this happening when my mother passed away and the impact on my life at the one year mark. You don’t want to let go of the closeness of the person’s presence in your life. I still can say things like, “Last year, when Raouf and I did something together,” or “Raouf told you that just a few months ago.” All those moments are now going to be relegated to “THE PAST”, and the past is not where you want your loved one to be.
People have already been introduced into my life this year who will never know Raouf, but because he still “feels” so near, it seems like they know him. This will all change when months turn to years and time goes on without him in my life.
So, was today a hard day? In so many ways, no, but in my mind, yes, because I could not put the reality of this historic moment on the shelf. I know that Raouf is not, in any way, thinking of any of this, as he’s enjoying his eternity in the presence of Jesus. That brings an amazing amount of comfort and reminds me to celebrate not only the life he lived but continues to live in God’s presence. However, because I’m still a “temporal” being, I’ll have days that I get stuck in this time warped feeling. Thankfully, God, in His grace, not only understands but helps me through it. He, however, warns me not to get stuck there, for these momentary “time warps” can lead to black holes that truly warp us and pull our thinking away from the important focus of our life, which is Jesus.
So, I’m once again writing out my thoughts to release them from my mind and go back to living for Him, as I should. May this encourage some of you to do the same.
Grace and Peace