A Life in Exile

When I was a young girl, I remember telling my mother, with tears in my eyes, that I was tired of being good! Though I didn’t break out in rebellion at that point, I had my moments during my high school and young adult years. Thankfully, God saved me with a godly husband to keep me in check (not really, I was still pretty good), and now I’m in my more “mature” years and looking forward to the Lord’s return.

So, overall, I’m your basic, church-going, active Christian, but I knew something was still not right, and it had to do with my prayer life. Oh, I love to pray for others and keep a stack of prayer journals filled with requests and marked with praises to the Lord when He answers. When people ask me to pray, I pray, and I’m not afraid to pray in public. Still, there was an area of prayer where I just couldn’t seem to get anything out. What was it?

Confession and repentance

After all, wasn’t I “basically good”? There was no hesitancy on my part if the Spirit convicted me about a “big” sin—and I’ve had my share, believe me—but on a day-to-day basis, what did my time of confession sound like? Crickets.

My late husband was always a proponent of praying out loud, using our voices to talk with God, not just our minds. I was always blessed by our prayer life together, but when I was alone, my voice fell silent. My prayers not only turned inward but were voiced inside my mind alone. As a result, in the past months, I came under the conviction that God was asking more from me. He knew I could deliver when with a group, but in my private space, why could I not open up and just voice my prayers? Where had my practice of confession gone?

While all these thoughts were in my mind, a book came across my radar, and I checked out the audio version.

Respectable Sins

Jerry Bridges knew my problem, and with word after word, he kept pounding the nail into my heart. Written over twenty years ago, this book remains relevant and needed for Christians today. I needed it, and am so thankful for his concise, grace-filled writing that has helped me deal with what he calls the more “subtle” sins.

Sin is sin, and if we are to serve a Holy God, we must work to get rid of everything that hinders us from living a righteous life in keeping with repentance. If I didn’t address any of the sins mentioned, but only asked this question, I would spend hours on my knees: “What ungodliness have I allowed in my life today?”

Let that one stew for a while and see where it leads you.

It led me to acknowledgment of sin and to the ability to then address the other sins listed in Scripture that we often blow through and apply to others. Here are a few:

• Anxiety and frustration
• Discontentment
• Pride (for me, it was especially the idea of an independent spirit)
• Selfishness
• Lack of Self-Control
• Impatience (don’t get me started!)
• Anger
• Judgmentalism
• Envy
• Sins of the Tongue
• Worldliness

Bridges does a painfully good job at breaking these down into thoughts, words, and deeds that we trivialize and have let infiltrate our Christian lives and churches to the point that the Spirit is hindered from working wonders among us.

The final nail

After reading this book and experiencing growing conviction by the Spirit, I knew I had to make changes in my prayer life. I ordered a thick pad from Amazon (yes, I’m old), and started a new practice. After I’ve had my time in Bible study, I now kneel by my bed and pray with a loud voice. This keeps my morning brain from wandering and has allowed me to return to prayer practices learned as a child.

• Adoration
• Confession
• Thanksgiving
• Supplication

With the mental/inner practice of prayer, these were often scattered and out of focus. Now that I’m voicing my prayers, I purposefully walk through each area. Kneeling keeps me humble in mind and body, reminding me that I’m coming before the Creator of the Universe—the One True God. As I praise Him for who He is, I then remember who I am, and confess those things that have missed the mark as His daughter. I give Him thanks for His forgiveness, grace, and mercy, as well as the blessings of the days past and strength for the day ahead. Then I can remember those He brings to mind.

This new rhythm of life had just barely begun when I went to church on Sunday. What did my pastor preach about? John the Baptist’s message to the people in preparation for the coming Messiah: Repent! Well, I just smiled as the Spirit reminded me that all the prompting, the new prayer posture, the book, and now the sermon, were all in line with what He wanted to say to me: “Carol, you’re not too good to go without repentance. I’m too holy to let you slide.”

Then what did my pastor do? Something that he rarely does—he opened it up for people to come down front or kneel in their pews and talk to the Lord in response to His Word. How could I not go down and kneel? I wasn’t too good; I wasn’t even good. I needed to confess again and claim my desire to live a life “in keeping with repentance.” That passage in Luke’s gospel is clear on what that looks like. It’s practical stuff, like sharing with those in need, not taking more than required, not extorting others or making false accusations. (See Luke 3:7-20). It’s living with integrity in a world where integrity has been thrown out the window.

Conviction of sin can come in various ways. Sometimes it comes by being hit by the consequences of our wrongdoing. I’m thankful, this time at least, the Lord used gentle nudges through a godly writer and a godly preacher to set my heart back on the right path.

What is God telling you about sin? Do you think about it? Do you admit it? May we all produce fruit in keeping with repentant lives and prepare the way for the Lord’s return. He is coming soon!

Grace and Peace

If you missed the last Wednesday Wisdom, click HERE, or check out these posts on sin and repentance: Remember Your Sin and God’s Grace, Learning from the Past: Twelve, The Requirement, Repaired, and Confession Is Good for the Soul.