A Life in Exile

In life and ministry, we often find ourselves in self-evaluation mode. Is what I’m saying and doing in line with God’s plan for my life? Am I really a missionary? How does taking care of children, cleaning a house, and cooking fulfill his call on my life? Do my children see me as anything other than a parent? If these questions aren’t hard enough to answer, what do you do when you return to your home country and share with the church and supporters, and they expect an exciting update? When I calculate the hours I’ve spent with nationals, does it really add up to ministry?

Overcoming the feeling of unworthiness

It is extremely hard to stand up against human perceptions of the role of a missionary. I grew up hearing and reading the stories of missionaries, listening to those who visited our church, and coming to idolize their lives, even as I answered the call to mission service. I wanted to be like “those people,” because they were somehow unique Christians, called to serve outside of their comfort zones, and often in other languages. They were high on the pedestal of my own making until they weren’t.

When did that happen for me? Probably my first mission meeting, when I was a short-term missionary in West Africa. But the pedestal was firmly demolished when I fell off my own during those two short years on the field. I nearly got sent home, so how was I worthy to talk about the great work I had done upon my return?

After a lot of soul-searching, prayer, and confession (to God and to others), I came home with a much clearer picture of who missionaries were. We are simply Christians living wherever God plants us, seeking to be salt and light to the people He brings our way. Yes, our call might be more focused on evangelism and making disciples than the average church member, but our weaknesses are just as evident and our reliance on God just as strong.

What did that teach me about my worthiness to stand before a local church to share about what God is doing? I’m not worthy, but that doesn’t make me less responsible to share. The church and our supporters need to hear, and He has put me in a unique place as a missionary to convey to them what God is doing and how they are a part of His work in a specific area.

Keep pointing to God, not yourself

In a recent conversation with a friend about the strain of feeling like you’re an imposter in speaking about missions and what they think you’ve been doing, John the Baptist was discussed. What did he say when his followers told him about how people were coming to Jesus to be baptized?

“You yourselves can testify that I said, ‘I am not the Messiah, but I’ve been sent ahead of him.’ He who has the bride is the groom. But the groom’s friend, who stands by and listens for him, rejoices greatly at the groom’s voice. So this joy of mine is complete. He must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:28-30 CSB)

Just as John was preparing the way for the coming Messiah, when He arrived and people began following Him, John was thrilled. It was all about Jesus anyway. The same for us. It’s not about us—it’s about Jesus. I could speak for hours about what God is doing among the people group I serve and never once mention anything I’ve done, because in the end, it’s about what He is doing, not me.

What does that mean practically? It means that as a missionary wife, if I’m able to stay home and care for my children in order to allow my husband time to train local pastors or make visits, then I’m serving like John—decreasing my own outward presence in this season to increase my husband’s ability to serve. Does that mean I never serve among the local population? No, but it might be limited or very purposeful because of time limitations.

My late husband had times where he stayed home with the boys so I could lead women in a discipleship session or teach, but it was not the norm. Does that mean I had nothing to share with churches in our newsletters or home visits? No. In fact, I could share that in this season of life, my priority and the majority of my time is with our children and in the home, just as it is with many of them. Still, I would be happy to report all God was doing in our midst.

When men and women focus their newsletters and in-person testimonies on what God is doing, they are doing two things: Keeping God as the central focus and prohibiting any potential pedestal-building for fallible humans. This also destroys any ill-conceived misperceptions about who missionaries are and what they’re expected to do. We join God in the work, not vice versa.

Find balance by remembering who we serve

These feelings of unworthiness and missing the mark in achieving what is expected of us by sending bodies and church fellowships can be laid aside as we remember our number one supporter—God the Father. It’s not the church that has called us or our spouse. God is the one who put on our hearts to step outside of our comfort zone and into the unknown. Why? Because he longs to see the nations saved and to receive the glory when clay pots shine the light of Christ in dark places.

When I changed a diaper and read a book to a toddler, I was fulfilling my call as a mother. The love I showed my children while living in Muslim lands was testimony to God and spoke volumes to women who had no hope in the drudgery of their lives. I knew I could write down the stories of what God was doing, conveyed to me by my husband, even though I didn’t see them myself. I had a role even during those early days of raising children.

Seasons change in ministry. The first term of language learning and raising littles looks completely different from the third or fourth term. Supporters can only understand that because we tell them. This is where I’m at right now. It’s not flashy or exciting, but it’s where God has me in this moment. But let me tell you something—He’s changing me, growing my faith, and also doing some amazing things among the people I’ve been called to serve. I’m hearing the stories, so let me share them with you.

Be real. Share the good and the bad. But, in the end, always give glory to what God is about in your life and among those you’re growing to love. That’s why you’re there, right? He loved them, and that’s why He has you living among them. It’s not about us. It’s about Him. That’s where we find the balance and peace.

Grace and Peace

If you missed the last Mission Monday post, click HERE, or check out these other posts on finding balance and giving God the glory: Perspective, Running Out of Juice, Did I Blow It?, Seasons in Service, and The Question that Guides.