A Life in Exile

“I am not who they think I am.” I look out at a group of children, wide-eyed and sitting cross-legged on the floor. I’m dressed in a “native” costume from my country of service, though I’ve never worn one there in my life. In fact, few of the people actually dress like this anymore. It’s all part of the “show” to engage the audience. Even with such thoughts flowing through my mind, I put on a smile as I’m introduced as “the missionary” and start my routine.

Imposter Syndrome for Missionaries

I am really beginning to wonder about my computer listening to me, as I cannot tell you how many times the subject of imposter syndrome has come up in social media feeds and emails in the past month or so. I knew about it, of course, because I experienced it, but I never had a catchy title for it. Now I do. After being asked a question about it from a current field worker, I’ve had it on my mind a lot lately.

The scenario with the children is real, because it was me, many years ago. Over twenty years of overseas service brought us back and forth to the States multiple times, and many of those trips brought encounters with groups of children in churches or Christian camps. It’s funny when I think about it that my husband, who was actually a native Egyptian, never once dressed in a gallabiyah or any other form of what we think of as typical Arab dress. He had no problem being who he was, whereas I thought I should somehow be different for the kids.

So, is imposter syndrome real? In some ways, yes. Whether it’s by dressing up as expected or telling stories about people with whom you have no connection, it’s easy to think we’re “faking it.” We want them to be sure they’re getting their money’s worth, so we give in to expectations—theirs and our own.

As a result, I feel guilty. They’re not seeing the full picture of my life, but only a glorified and truncated-at-best version of my daily life. How does this help children better understand life on mission? How does it help them see how God is working even in the mundane things of my life, like language learning, cooking from scratch for my kids, and cleaning the never-ending flow of dust in my house? How does it help them see the impossibility of my task when I share about the one, but ignore the thousands yet to hear?

These are all questions we have to grapple with as missionaries, as we face our greatest fear: Will they stop supporting me if I’m real about the mundane life I lead, the lack of fruit, and the struggle to learn the language?

What God expects

We know we can’t put on an act with God. He sees us and knows us, struggles, frailties, warts, and all. Are we wrong to “put on a good face” with our churches? Are we really hindering the work of the Kingdom?

I think only He can answer that, but we can ask ourselves this: “Will honesty actually hurt?” This means we have to trust Him to speak to the children and adults, even if we tell it like it is. He honors us in our integrity, even if it costs us some supporters in the short term.

In the end, it’s not about us—it’s about God and what He’s doing in our world, and that includes us. What would happen if I stopped worrying about others’ perceptions of me and made sure that in all I reported, I’m talking about God? I can talk about what He’s taught me about my people group this term or how I’ve learned to trust Him when I don’t see results. How has God taught you patience with yourself and with His plan for this people group, since all you’ve done is study a very hard language for three years?

It is not only that we live in a fast-food society, but Christians also read the Bible with an inability to see time. Think about the two years Joseph stayed in prison after interpreting the cupbearer’s dream. Do we consider how hard that was for him, his struggles with God as he remained faithful, or even his despair? Paul traveled on amazing missionary journeys, but do we consider the years on the road, walking, riding donkeys, or on rough seas? Do we think about his recovery times after being stoned or from illness?

As we go out into the world to make disciples of all nations, God is not requiring us to reach every person, but only those He brings our way. As we go, we know what He requires:

Mankind, he has told each of you what is good and what it is the Lord requires of you: to act justly, to love faithfulness, and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8 CSB)

This works in harmony with the first and greatest commandment and the second, which Jesus shared: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind, [and] love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:37, 39)

Be real

Whether you wear native dress or not is not the point. It’s always good to have visuals for children to remember, as long as you tell them the truth about the costume. While I continued to bring local items for groups to see and touch, I learned over the years to talk more about what God was doing than what I was doing. Yes, I talked about being a mom, learning language, and doing my best to talk to women about Jesus, but I wasn’t shy to talk about my inabilities in view of God’s abilities to change lives to His glory. I gave witness to what God was doing and how I was privileged to just be there to watch.

Ask God for the strength and courage to take off any masks that hinder the church from seeing Him, as you share the realities of life on the field and the joy of knowing God is with you in good times and bad.

Grace and Peace

If you missed the last Mission Monday post, click HERE, or check out these other posts on giving testimony to the church: The Hero of My Story, Summer Mission Trips: Next Steps, and Telling Your Stories.