A Life in Exile

As time passes, you may feel the sting of grief less, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t still affect you. Sometimes it leads to new habits without even realizing it.

I was in the car the other day, listening to my favorite Christian radio show, when the topic turned to marriage. I immediately hit the button to change the station. As I continued on my way, with the noise still coming from the radio, I wasn’t listening; I realized that I had been doing something for the past two and a half years without giving it thought. I don’t want to listen to any program on marriage or relationships; I immediately move on to something else.

The same is true for television. When searching for shows on Netflix, I no longer choose the romantic films. I’d rather watch a mystery or other action movie. I don’t want to see people fall in love.

My love is gone.

I questioned myself whether this was wrong, but had peace knowing that it kept me from the temptation to dwell on my own loss or fall into depression. Just like so many other people in the world, I had created my own safety net.

It doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate love; after all, I’ve been to a lot of weddings in the past couple of years, my own son’s included. I’m happy for friends who celebrate anniversaries and can enjoy the blessing of many years together. I’m thankful for the twenty-five I had with the most wonderful man in the world, so I do not begrudge them their own happiness and longevity in marriage.

Maybe it’s the solitary activity of listening to the radio or watching a movie that keeps me away from such topics. All I know is that it no longer interests me, and I cannot help but look for something else to fill my mind or eyes.

This journey of grief is an interesting one with lots of twists and turns, but I’m thankful that I do not walk it alone, and many have gone through it before me.

Have you caught yourself changing channels lately? It’s OK. He knows what you need and doesn’t judge, nor do I.

Grace and Peace